Relentless Thought

I wrote this about a week ago, I consider it just a small story that maybe, possibly you wanted to hear. :)

This past week was not my best. Monday was a drag after returning at 2 am that morning from a long, stressful "vacation" (Yellowstone...gag) and the energy to expand my thoughts didn't collaborate well with my lack of sleep. My solution to this small endemic? Cut my Socratic Seminar class. Now, Socratic is interesting, but it's mentally exhausting because it's a discussion class. The ever growing feeds of thoughts were too much for my feeble mind so...I skipped class. I'd love to say that I did something awesome or rebellious while I should've been in class, but unfortunately, the truth is not always so prodigious.  I felt so angry. My upsurge of illogical rage boiled like the insignificant hot springs we'd wasted time staring at whilst in Yellowstone National Park and I stormed out of the gutted bowling alley I so humbly call my school. I aimlessly wandered as I waited for time to pass. More influential than my rage was my impatience. After first period ended I went to the second half of socratic. I wasn't even entirely sure of all the reasons I was mad, I just knew I was. I continued the rest of my day in silence and refused to do my homework out of pure spite.
Tuesday was slightly more dramatic. I skipped first period Socratic again. I attended all of my regular classes, left my nightclasses early and went to mutual. At mutual we had a guest speaker that shared his tragic story about his wife dying of cancer, but the miracle of her giving birth to beautiful baby girl before passing. In all honesty, I was not as touched by the story as others. By no means do I mock it, for it is incredible, but I was not among those who were sobbing. My tears took root at a deeper level. In the midst of my effort to pay attention to the story, my pocket let loose a roar. Smiling that I'd caused a distraction, I pulled out my phone to see who demanded my attention. Long story short, my friend who's in the military came home from Afghanistan and didn't bother to tell me. That was slightly emotionally riveting. That night I thought things were finally starting to turn around, as if I was in control again. My confidence, however, was short lived. When I returned home I was met by the stress and pain that always seemed to control my life. I spent Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning (3:30 to be exact) crying as I aimlessly wandered the neighborhood. By the time school started I was exhausted. I was still extraordinarily upset as well and I went to the nursery located right next door to the school before I broke down and sobbed among the flowers. From 7:30 to 9:15, I bawled like an overprotective mother letting go of her baby on the first day of school. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck. I blindly went to my next two class periods and took in none of the information taught. Fifth period came around and I chose not go. In my same spot, hidden from sight, I cried again. And so the day dragged on...I failed my chemistry test, got in trouble with my Socratic teacher for my absences and tardies, got in trouble with my Algebra II teacher for my lack of effort, and failed my Computer Technology test. As my weary mind tried to grasp the mere thought of how I was going to finish the day, a small impression boarded my hectic train of thought. "Go to seminary." I originally ignored it, thinking it'd be ridiculous to skip, yet another mandatory class for something that wouldn't even give me credits. The thought relentlessly came back, over and over, almost haunting me. As the impression continued to force its way into the more subconscious levels of my mind, I noticed I couldn't keep myself from straying into seminary. I eventually gave in. Missing the shuttle that would've taken me to Young Lawyers I walked to the seminary building only to be welcomed by a teacher who informed me that I required written permission to be in his class. Further dismayed, I carried my dulled body and mind back to the high school. With nothing left to lose nor anything worthy to give up, I offered up an earnest prayer. I was lost, confused, and didn't know what to do or where to go. Almost immediately after my fervent prayer, a newfound energy and motivation caused me to forge, yes, FORGE a note into seminary. Hopefully God will overlook that...afterall, it was His idea. 
That day in seminary is the only time I've ever felt blessed by the opportunity of having seminary. In past years, each and every teacher has been far from accepting and Christ-like. Perhaps this year has more to offer than a failing student lacking a motive. Amidst my loss of faith and hope, I came to believe that perhaps God won't give up on me. I'm glad I listened to that ever so still, small voice.

Dear God, Rain Me Unity.

The silence is nearly tangible in the small classroom. The unorganized rows of desks sit crooked and its occupants aren’t showing much sign of life either. These cheap, makeshift desks are littered with different kinds of graffiti. I run my fingers across the unique carvings, negative designs, cartoons, famous quotes, and all manner of drawings. My thoughts invade my mind... I know I belong in this school. I know I deserve the best education I can get. I didn’t sit through eight years acquiring a private education to NOT end up here. I love this school, I love that each and every person you come in contact with is so original and different. This school is a place of artists. But lately, it’s felt like just a normal high school. In the past year, Karl G. Maeser Prepatory Academy has more than tripled in size, going from a little over 200 students to over 600. I watch everyone at lunch and see all the clichés. Where do I fit in? Do I want to fit in? No, but lately it’s been hard not to desire being normal. What happened to the little gutted bowling alley? I’m worried that moving to our new building is too much change for me. I don’t want to let go of Maeser, but I don’t want to stay right now. I feel like I’m in an average high school doing three times the work everyone else has to do. I really miss the old Maeser. I watch people zone in and out of sleep as the monotone story drags on. Then out of nowhere, a soothing, mellow, white noise patters its way across our tin rooftop. The sudden downpour captivated everyone’s attention and we sat in silence listening to the drops ricochet off our tattered tin roof. The whole class was as alert as I’d ever seen. Every student is sitting up straight in their chair, eyes darting back and forth glancing at one another and the teacher fell silent. For a moment we all just listened. The raindrops sounded so large and heavy as they continued their dance across our old rooftop. The teacher stood up from the chair he’d been planted in for the past hour and shut his laptop. We watched him as he carefully put down his pencil. The orchestra of God’s tears grew louder and louder until it crocheted into a deafening blast of overwhelming sound. I watched as he looked up and quietly and calmly said, “Let’s go.” Then a huge smile broke the tension as he grinned from ear to ear. His suit jacket and tie went flying behind him as we all ran out the back door and into the rain. I watched 19 students, who just minutes before could care less about each others names, ran, danced, skipped, and splashed in the symphony of rhythm. In just 30 short seconds, we were all soaked to the bone and violently shaking from the cold, but every single one of us was smiling bigger than I’d seen this whole school year. As we trickled back into our class, teeth chattering, we all huddled in a circle in the centre of the room, using each others body heat to stay warm. In these few minutes I felt the old Maeser. I felt a school that wasn’t limited by things as dumb as clichés and popularity. I watched a class become unified by something as simple as the rain. Maybe this year won’t be as difficult as I had previously believed…maybe all these new students really do belong in this incredible place of knowledge. Maybe we’ll gradually get the unified environment we had last year. I hope it rains more often. I love the sound of our old, tin rooftop.

The Shapes We Take

People don't change on the inside, they only fool themselves sometimes.

Okay I know this is going to sound EXTREMELY nerdy, but get over it. When I was reading the Odyssey I found what I believe to be the coolest passage ever!

" 'Ah, Goddess,' the cool tactician countered, 'you're so hard for a mortal man to know on sight, however shrewd he is - the shapes you take are endless!' "

So I was wondering....what shapes do we take?

I often ask myself if I really, truly know who I am. All too often we allow ourselves to be dependent on others opinions, judgements, and criticisms, and we allow THOSE to define our being. We are told to be ourselves and not to let anyone change that, but the people we surround ourselves with DO change us, whether it be positive or negative. It seems that the two cancel each other out. We have to be ourselves, but as people we change. So what are we left with then? I think we are left with choice and everything else follows it. When we think about it, life is built up of a serious of choices and we change because of those choices. The shapes we take are dependent on choice alone. We choose who we surround ourselves with, how we behave, why our behavior changes in different environments, etc. In my opinion, the shapes we take are just different aspects of ourselves.

The shapes we take are natural. Our shapes define us. My shapes make up my being.

I have felt like such a mom lately! Could I make myself be anymore paranoid, tense, overpowering, and ALWAYS needing to be doing something?? I sit at home and literally do nothing. Well not entirely nothing...I babysit my brothers, attempt to write new songs, and read..bleh. I have been having the worst writers block lately too. I can't finish anything I start and I am constantly thinking of these perfect one liners for a song but I can't make them fit into anything and then later I forget them. From now on I think I'll be writing everything I think down and I'll make all those one liners a song. That could be cute.
My train of thought is everywhere today. I can't stay on one topic longer than one minute and my mind has nothing better to do. I'm getting so frustrated right now, I blow up at the smallest things. I need yoga or something....I need to breathe. I'd run, but my knees are in such bad condition I'd cry on my way down the stairs. Music isn't helping me at all right now, which is a first. I don't even know what to do with myself! I'm going to go bury my head in the pillow and scream to my hearts content now. Goodbye for now.
-A stressed, irritated me

My Love for Lady Gaga

So today I was in the deepest form of depression I've ever been through. I mean, NOTHING has EVER compared to today. I think that's because I was hurt by other people...badly, when usually I'm the one hurting myself. I woke up at around 8:30 and just laid there. I rolled over to reach for Wilson's iPod and once I had it in hand I immediatly started my search for a wifi connection. My search, however, was to no avail, I plugged in the headphones and scrolled through the artists names. I didn't want to listen to anything, I was sick of having the iPod on shuffle and I didn't want any dancing kind of music. I sat and scrolled not really sure of my purpose, but then I came across a name that I couldn't pass up: Lady Gaga. I know, I know, Lady Gaga? You wake up depressed and the best you've got is Lady Gaga?? Well, yes. But truth be told I don't think there is another artist I can connect to better. She's been through everything I have and much more! Her parents think she's a freak, they think she's absolutley insane, they don't understand her,and more of settled for her as a daughter. She's had her heart broken countless times, she knows what it's like to be scared of a man. Lady Gaga, in my book, is one of the most respectable women I know of. Most everyone calls her a freak, or crazy, but aren't you? She does what we all think, but are too afraid to try to accomplish. She does the things she wants because she's not afraid of what anyone else thinks of her. She's talented, fashionable, thoughtful, brave, and most importantly she gives her all or nothing. She stands up for what she believes in and she refuses to back down. She takes crap from stupid people who don't see the value in her personality, values, opinions, or RIGHTS as a human being. I hope everyone will look past the crazy outfits, the hairstyles, and her make up. Listen to her MUSIC. That's the reason she's here! She has messages that she expresses through the music. Lady Gaga is just another person with big dreams. The only difference between us and her is that she made her dream a reality.

Power to the little monsters <3  

Digging Graves

Another day wasted
Life has become tasteless
Another minute gone by
A new reason to cry 

I'm not supposed to be here
I silently wait for tears
Alone in this chapel pew
Lights off, and there's my cue

I stand and go
Hoping they'll never know
That everytime they lie
I die a little more inside

[Chorus]
How to continue when
Your eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
Your heart has broken with no one to call
You slowly fall apart
With all these holes in your heart
How to continue when 
You're digging one more grave
For another piece of your soul you cannot save

I wish you would fix me
You're everything I want to be
Find my scattered pieces
And comfort my uneases

I want to confide in you
But can never find the strength to 
I tell you a lot but not all
Yet I still expect you to break my fall

I'm sorry it's hard to love me
I always argue and never agree
But if you left me, forever gone
I would surely die before dawn

[Chorus]
I don't know how to continue when
My eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
My heart is broken but I've no one to call
When I slowly fall apart
With all these holes in my heart
I don't know how to continue when
I'm digging one more grave
For another piece of my soul I cannot save

[Bridge]
I watch them dig 
See the graves grow big
They all know how to stop
But determined to bury to the top
I've come to a conclusion
That it's all pure illusion
And I think the world
Each and every boy and girl 
Enjoys digging graves
For the piece of thier soul they so desperately hate  

I will not go down 
I'm not one of the crowd
I will stand and fight
Whether or not you think I'm right

Watch me save my soul
While you dig another hole
I sometimes might fail
But my heart will prevail

I will never die out
Living life without a doubt
I don't enjoy digging graves 
For the pieces of me I can save

[Chorus]
You can continue when
Your eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
Your heart is broken with no one to call
When you slowly fall apart
With all these holes your heart
You don't have to dig another grave
For the piece of your soul you think you cannot save
   

 
 





 




 

The Last Dance

Here's my first draft...tell me honestly if it looks like something Justin Bieber would write. I might cry, but it's okay as long as you're honest ;) I am in the process of writing a new one anyways. :)


I'm standing here alone
I came here all on my own
Not a friend by my side
And this I've never tried

I stare out on the floor
Partners locked in perfect form
Dressed in black and white
I turn to keep out of sight

That's when I see his hand
I slowly understand
He looks into my eyes
And says, "May this dance be mine?"

But tell me, what if I give
My one last dance to you?
Do you promise I'll remember
The night that I surrendered
All my love?
Tell me, what if I save
My only last dance for you?
Do you promise it will last?
Don't let the moment go to fast
In this last dance

I don't know what to say
No one's ever looked at me this way
The world is spinnin' round
So I stare without a sound

I look deep into his eyes
His sincerity blows my mind
No one wants to be alone
But, even so, I just don't know

I try and imagine what it's like
Being hand in hand all night
With the slow music all around
My melted heart allows my brain to drown

So tell me, what if I give
My one last dance to you?
Do you promise I'll remember
The night that I surrendered
All my love?
Tell me, what if I save
My only last dance for you?
Do you promise it will last?
Don't let the moment go to fast
In this last dance

Nothing but the music playing
I watch him patiently waiting
Hand is still outstretched
Somehow it feels too far-fetched

I give my head a quick shake no
Push his hand away and go
But on my way out the doors
I look back and want to be on those floors

I'm sitting here alone
In the closet of my home
I cannot understand
Why I never took his hand

I wonder, what if I'd saved
My one last dance for you?
Would you have gone nice and slow?
Would you have never let me go?
I'll never know
I wonder, what if I gave
My only last dance to you?
Would you have done everything
To keep the promises you bring?
In that last dance

I stroll the lonely roads
My burden's such a load
I missed my only chance
To take his hand and dance

I sit under the streetlight
Wish I'd let him hold me tight
I look up and see
Him smiling at me

He holds out his hand
Says "I'll be in your command"
I rise to my feet
And even though there's no beat

He says
I promise if you give
Your one last dance to me
That I'll never tear you apart
I'll protect your fragile heart
If only you save
Your only last dance for me
I'll never leave your side
Swear I'll never make you cry
If only you would give
Your one and only last dance to me

The Fame Life

This is just a song I'm working on. I need a chorus so it's not completely done. It's just talking about a fame life that I wouldn't want.


Stage set - lights flash - crowd cheering
Backstage is chaos
The crowd is deafening
I'm at a loss
A silence pleading

Cameras click - pictures held - pens demanding
A crew wires my odd attire
Strangers surround my red carpet ride
Here I am getting everything I don't desire
"Fame is everything"....they lied

Warm ups - outfits organized - choreography refreshing
Microphone thrust to my face
Guitar strapped to my back
I'm next on stage trying to escape this place
Scolded for what decorum I lack

Hot temperature - sound check - agent ordering
I'm close to tears
The lights are blinding
Stop the fame in my young years
"This was your dream"-don't remind me

Body guards - hands up - fans screaming
Fill my lungs to extend my voice
I wonder if anyone can understand
The song I sing tells my limited choice
And the privacy they reprimand

Billboards - lead guest - cell phones waving
Exit the stage off to the right
Me and my fake smile
Ducking out of the camera's sight
Protecting the image that's not worth while

Interviews - magazine covers - press questioning
Day after day and night after night
The blur of my name I barely recognize
The paparazzi win every fight
The cautions I'm forced to exercise

God's Perspective

A thousand years in one day
Could I decide which way
I steer every child for good or for bad
Each wishing for something they never had

I, with so much power
I send men to a cower
But listening to each earnest prayer
Send blessings galore to his personal lair

Each day I watch from above
Trying to get you to accept my love
But you with wet cheeks push me away
I guess I'll try again some other day

I see you in pain
So I send the rain
Hoping it'll comfort
the soul that's distort

My hand is extended as far as it'll go
Waiting for you: another no-show
My eyes are pleading
I know deep down you're bleeding

But once again I get turned down
Listening to your whimpers - the sorrowing sound
I'm becoming desperate for you to find me
Hoping you'll not refuse to see

I will always be here
When you are in fear
You're sick of all the pain
I know you each by name

I feel your sorrow, hurt when you're sad
I know your turmoil, ache when you're mad
But the thing that hurts me more than I can bear
Knowing I can help you if you'll open up share

You can put an end to all the wrong
If you let me I'll be the one to lean on
All you need to do is forever be trusting
You're not alone, and I'll be waiting

Suicide Nightmare

It all started, I walked inside. I didn't realize it was so dark out, I lied. And when I turn the corner mama's on the phone crying, daddy's holding her tight, inside we're all dying. I glance at the clock, just a few minutes to midnight. The clock is screaming at me, "You did it again! Congratulations! Are you happy? You made your mother cry for the fourth time this weekend! Are you thrilled that your the main source of pain, this family's ever known? Are you proud?" And I just want that clock to shut up so I can scream aloud. Then mama turns her head and daddy in turn, I'm seen, I've been caught, I wanna bolt out the door. Now worry turns to anger and anger turns to pain, mama throws down the phone and runs away. A car engine roars then speeds away, daddy storms up the stairs, slams the door, and I'm left all alone on the kitchen floor. My hands catch my head as I slowly walk up to bed and the clocks are still screaming I want them to go away and I don't want them to come again any other day. I fall into bed not wanting to be caught, but it catches me anyways without the slightest thought. Now there's two clocks, three, four - stop it! I can't count anymore! And the clocks are feeding me lies, they say, "Destroy yourself, nobody wants you alive!"

I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
And they don't know what they're doing, but I just stop and stare
I saw guns pointed to my head
Open wrists and the blood poured everywhere
And I didn't know what to do, I just sat there crying watching me get rid of me
I woke up screaming, the tears flowing freely

Mama, please don't leave me! I don't want you go even though sometimes I say so, but I'm not ready to be on my own, so mom please don't go. And dad please try to understand, I want a little bit of freedom but not complete isolation. I'm sorry a trillion times, never meant to make you cry. I want us to move on, how can I do that if your gone? I'm in a different world where everything's a problem and I'm so confused, don't know how to solve 'em. The clocks are still telling me to die, why? I'm not ready to leave, still got a lot of people to please. And after all this suffering I must accept humility as part of the dose that life gives us daily. I refuse to sleep, I can't eat, and all I'm fueling is the heat. The tension's growing stronger, I can't hold on any longer, I'm slipping, falling. Mom! I keep calling! I know no one's gonna catch me, this isn't how it was supposed to be. My time has run out, all I got was more doubt. The nightmare's still here, I'm trying to hold back the tears. I try to scream but choke, I remember all the violence that came with every word you spoke. The clocks are dancing all around, I slam my fist down. I had built up anger inside during all those years I forgot how to cry.

I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
I don't understand what I'm doing, but I still stop and stare
I watched myself pick up a gun, cock it, rest it against my face, scream my resting place, and pop it.
My knuckles go white from clutching the sheets
I draw the final breath and listen to my heart's last beats...

The darkness had taken me in, I felt there was no possible repentance for my sin. I had lost every ounce of control with every dying piece of my soul. Then a strong hand firmly fell on my shoulder, its powerful presence made my body grow colder. It sat me up straight, then I awoke. In tears I found myself looking into my father's eyes and as he held me close I found the strength to tell him why I cried. As I listened to his soft voice, he explained that mom had made a choice. The current rush of events that had been such a burden, were now lifted off my shoulders as if to say all is forgiven. In that moment I let out three years of pain through tears that I previously believed to be a loss to my gain. Things were going to be better someday, but for now all I could do was hope and pray. Mom, you may have left me, but I'll never forget our best memories. A smile slowly spread across my face, for once I felt safe in my house, my place. I laid back down as I realized no form of pain was a crime. I gently fell back to sleep with a clear mind, for the clocks here told nothing but time.

Everyone Has a Story

The moon shines down on my tear streaked face
As I recollect memories all too often concieved as fate
The past seems to haunt me
My future sickenly daunting

And it's so dishearting when people like you
Come along and break me; change my tune
You insensibly stare from inside your perfect shield
But you could never understand the pain which has been sealed

So don't tell me I don't know what I'm saying
When I used to spend all hours of the night praying
Hoping, wishing, dreaming that someday things would change
That soon my life would just somehow rearrange

Do you know what it's like to spend your nights alone?
To feel so lost , to wish you had a home?
Do you know what it's like to wander in the slums?
With no other desire than to know when your next meal's gonna come?
We come from two different worlds and that's the real fact
You slept with a teddy bear while I slept with a bat
You dealt with drama when I dealt with drugs
You put up with teachers and I put up with thugs
Do you know what it's like to spend your days afraid?
To want to pull your life together and say you've got it made?
Try not to judge, because the way your acting proves no
I'm trying move on and painlessly let it go

Everyone you meet will have a different story
So change perspectives now, show some empathy
Pain is not a crime
It's only an emotion that passes over time

Just always remember, no matter what your story is...
Laugh last - push past
Pursue - be you
Take your dream intact
And don't look back
Don't dwell on the past, instead learn
So go on, now it's your turn

I love you

Woke up this morning
Disaster struck without warning
Suddenly no one could agree
Suddenly no one was listening

I never thought this would happen to us
Never knew such small things could cause such a fuss
We fell apart
And I can't find the missing pieces to my broken heart

But don't worry, it's all right
I understand you don't want to fight
So go ahead, walk out that door
I understand you don't want to see us anymore

Because if you love someone, set them free
We'll have someone else show us what to be
If you love someone, let them go
We'll keep pretending no one else knows
And just because I love you enough
I'm going to get through this although it's tough

I cried for hours at first
Emotionally I thought I'd burst
But now I think I finally see
You want absolutely nothing to do with me

I don't think I'll ever know why
I just know your love was a lie
You won't have to act or pretend
Just put our family to a sad end

I'm not asking you to leave
I never wanted you to leave
I'm telling you to do what makes you happy
Even if it means never again seeing me

Because if you love someone, set them free
We'll have someone else show us what to be
If you love someone, let them go
We'll keep pretending no one else knows
And just because I love you enough
I'll let you go although it's tough

You never know what you got 'till it's gone
I'm sorry for all the things I've done
I'm not going to beg you stay
But when you leave I've got just one thing to say...

I love you forever, I love you always
If you ever look back remember the best days
Remember when we were happy
Remember when you still loved me
Remember our smiles
Remember that between us there's miles
But I'll still love you
Just as much as I used to
Please don't forget
Please don't regret
Just always know that I still love you

Update

I haven't used this blog in FOREVER! The sad thing is that so much has happened since October. Hmm...where to start....oh well I switched schools! Stupid MRJH is out of my life :D I now attend Karl G. Maeser Prepatory Academy. Quite a mouthful huh? I love it though, I have so much fun. Prom's next week (May 8th)!! I'm going as a ninja...no wonder people know I'm a freshman. Ok so I lied, maybe not THAT much has happened since October, but I can't remember really anything since then. I've written a lot since then so I'll be sure to update everything's that complete. If I can remember anything else that's happened I'll be sure to make a new blog post :)