This is just a song I'm working on. I need a chorus so it's not completely done. It's just talking about a fame life that I wouldn't want.
Stage set - lights flash - crowd cheering
Backstage is chaos
The crowd is deafening
I'm at a loss
A silence pleading
Cameras click - pictures held - pens demanding
A crew wires my odd attire
Strangers surround my red carpet ride
Here I am getting everything I don't desire
"Fame is everything"....they lied
Warm ups - outfits organized - choreography refreshing
Microphone thrust to my face
Guitar strapped to my back
I'm next on stage trying to escape this place
Scolded for what decorum I lack
Hot temperature - sound check - agent ordering
I'm close to tears
The lights are blinding
Stop the fame in my young years
"This was your dream"-don't remind me
Body guards - hands up - fans screaming
Fill my lungs to extend my voice
I wonder if anyone can understand
The song I sing tells my limited choice
And the privacy they reprimand
Billboards - lead guest - cell phones waving
Exit the stage off to the right
Me and my fake smile
Ducking out of the camera's sight
Protecting the image that's not worth while
Interviews - magazine covers - press questioning
Day after day and night after night
The blur of my name I barely recognize
The paparazzi win every fight
The cautions I'm forced to exercise
Friday, April 30, 2010
God's Perspective
A thousand years in one day
Could I decide which way
I steer every child for good or for bad
Each wishing for something they never had
I, with so much power
I send men to a cower
But listening to each earnest prayer
Send blessings galore to his personal lair
Each day I watch from above
Trying to get you to accept my love
But you with wet cheeks push me away
I guess I'll try again some other day
I see you in pain
So I send the rain
Hoping it'll comfort
the soul that's distort
My hand is extended as far as it'll go
Waiting for you: another no-show
My eyes are pleading
I know deep down you're bleeding
But once again I get turned down
Listening to your whimpers - the sorrowing sound
I'm becoming desperate for you to find me
Hoping you'll not refuse to see
I will always be here
When you are in fear
You're sick of all the pain
I know you each by name
I feel your sorrow, hurt when you're sad
I know your turmoil, ache when you're mad
But the thing that hurts me more than I can bear
Knowing I can help you if you'll open up share
You can put an end to all the wrong
If you let me I'll be the one to lean on
All you need to do is forever be trusting
You're not alone, and I'll be waiting
Could I decide which way
I steer every child for good or for bad
Each wishing for something they never had
I, with so much power
I send men to a cower
But listening to each earnest prayer
Send blessings galore to his personal lair
Each day I watch from above
Trying to get you to accept my love
But you with wet cheeks push me away
I guess I'll try again some other day
I see you in pain
So I send the rain
Hoping it'll comfort
the soul that's distort
My hand is extended as far as it'll go
Waiting for you: another no-show
My eyes are pleading
I know deep down you're bleeding
But once again I get turned down
Listening to your whimpers - the sorrowing sound
I'm becoming desperate for you to find me
Hoping you'll not refuse to see
I will always be here
When you are in fear
You're sick of all the pain
I know you each by name
I feel your sorrow, hurt when you're sad
I know your turmoil, ache when you're mad
But the thing that hurts me more than I can bear
Knowing I can help you if you'll open up share
You can put an end to all the wrong
If you let me I'll be the one to lean on
All you need to do is forever be trusting
You're not alone, and I'll be waiting
Suicide Nightmare
It all started, I walked inside. I didn't realize it was so dark out, I lied. And when I turn the corner mama's on the phone crying, daddy's holding her tight, inside we're all dying. I glance at the clock, just a few minutes to midnight. The clock is screaming at me, "You did it again! Congratulations! Are you happy? You made your mother cry for the fourth time this weekend! Are you thrilled that your the main source of pain, this family's ever known? Are you proud?" And I just want that clock to shut up so I can scream aloud. Then mama turns her head and daddy in turn, I'm seen, I've been caught, I wanna bolt out the door. Now worry turns to anger and anger turns to pain, mama throws down the phone and runs away. A car engine roars then speeds away, daddy storms up the stairs, slams the door, and I'm left all alone on the kitchen floor. My hands catch my head as I slowly walk up to bed and the clocks are still screaming I want them to go away and I don't want them to come again any other day. I fall into bed not wanting to be caught, but it catches me anyways without the slightest thought. Now there's two clocks, three, four - stop it! I can't count anymore! And the clocks are feeding me lies, they say, "Destroy yourself, nobody wants you alive!"
I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
And they don't know what they're doing, but I just stop and stare
I saw guns pointed to my head
Open wrists and the blood poured everywhere
And I didn't know what to do, I just sat there crying watching me get rid of me
I woke up screaming, the tears flowing freely
Mama, please don't leave me! I don't want you go even though sometimes I say so, but I'm not ready to be on my own, so mom please don't go. And dad please try to understand, I want a little bit of freedom but not complete isolation. I'm sorry a trillion times, never meant to make you cry. I want us to move on, how can I do that if your gone? I'm in a different world where everything's a problem and I'm so confused, don't know how to solve 'em. The clocks are still telling me to die, why? I'm not ready to leave, still got a lot of people to please. And after all this suffering I must accept humility as part of the dose that life gives us daily. I refuse to sleep, I can't eat, and all I'm fueling is the heat. The tension's growing stronger, I can't hold on any longer, I'm slipping, falling. Mom! I keep calling! I know no one's gonna catch me, this isn't how it was supposed to be. My time has run out, all I got was more doubt. The nightmare's still here, I'm trying to hold back the tears. I try to scream but choke, I remember all the violence that came with every word you spoke. The clocks are dancing all around, I slam my fist down. I had built up anger inside during all those years I forgot how to cry.
I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
I don't understand what I'm doing, but I still stop and stare
I watched myself pick up a gun, cock it, rest it against my face, scream my resting place, and pop it.
My knuckles go white from clutching the sheets
I draw the final breath and listen to my heart's last beats...
The darkness had taken me in, I felt there was no possible repentance for my sin. I had lost every ounce of control with every dying piece of my soul. Then a strong hand firmly fell on my shoulder, its powerful presence made my body grow colder. It sat me up straight, then I awoke. In tears I found myself looking into my father's eyes and as he held me close I found the strength to tell him why I cried. As I listened to his soft voice, he explained that mom had made a choice. The current rush of events that had been such a burden, were now lifted off my shoulders as if to say all is forgiven. In that moment I let out three years of pain through tears that I previously believed to be a loss to my gain. Things were going to be better someday, but for now all I could do was hope and pray. Mom, you may have left me, but I'll never forget our best memories. A smile slowly spread across my face, for once I felt safe in my house, my place. I laid back down as I realized no form of pain was a crime. I gently fell back to sleep with a clear mind, for the clocks here told nothing but time.
I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
And they don't know what they're doing, but I just stop and stare
I saw guns pointed to my head
Open wrists and the blood poured everywhere
And I didn't know what to do, I just sat there crying watching me get rid of me
I woke up screaming, the tears flowing freely
Mama, please don't leave me! I don't want you go even though sometimes I say so, but I'm not ready to be on my own, so mom please don't go. And dad please try to understand, I want a little bit of freedom but not complete isolation. I'm sorry a trillion times, never meant to make you cry. I want us to move on, how can I do that if your gone? I'm in a different world where everything's a problem and I'm so confused, don't know how to solve 'em. The clocks are still telling me to die, why? I'm not ready to leave, still got a lot of people to please. And after all this suffering I must accept humility as part of the dose that life gives us daily. I refuse to sleep, I can't eat, and all I'm fueling is the heat. The tension's growing stronger, I can't hold on any longer, I'm slipping, falling. Mom! I keep calling! I know no one's gonna catch me, this isn't how it was supposed to be. My time has run out, all I got was more doubt. The nightmare's still here, I'm trying to hold back the tears. I try to scream but choke, I remember all the violence that came with every word you spoke. The clocks are dancing all around, I slam my fist down. I had built up anger inside during all those years I forgot how to cry.
I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
I don't understand what I'm doing, but I still stop and stare
I watched myself pick up a gun, cock it, rest it against my face, scream my resting place, and pop it.
My knuckles go white from clutching the sheets
I draw the final breath and listen to my heart's last beats...
The darkness had taken me in, I felt there was no possible repentance for my sin. I had lost every ounce of control with every dying piece of my soul. Then a strong hand firmly fell on my shoulder, its powerful presence made my body grow colder. It sat me up straight, then I awoke. In tears I found myself looking into my father's eyes and as he held me close I found the strength to tell him why I cried. As I listened to his soft voice, he explained that mom had made a choice. The current rush of events that had been such a burden, were now lifted off my shoulders as if to say all is forgiven. In that moment I let out three years of pain through tears that I previously believed to be a loss to my gain. Things were going to be better someday, but for now all I could do was hope and pray. Mom, you may have left me, but I'll never forget our best memories. A smile slowly spread across my face, for once I felt safe in my house, my place. I laid back down as I realized no form of pain was a crime. I gently fell back to sleep with a clear mind, for the clocks here told nothing but time.
Everyone Has a Story
The moon shines down on my tear streaked face
As I recollect memories all too often concieved as fate
The past seems to haunt me
My future sickenly daunting
And it's so dishearting when people like you
Come along and break me; change my tune
You insensibly stare from inside your perfect shield
But you could never understand the pain which has been sealed
So don't tell me I don't know what I'm saying
When I used to spend all hours of the night praying
Hoping, wishing, dreaming that someday things would change
That soon my life would just somehow rearrange
Do you know what it's like to spend your nights alone?
To feel so lost , to wish you had a home?
Do you know what it's like to wander in the slums?
With no other desire than to know when your next meal's gonna come?
We come from two different worlds and that's the real fact
You slept with a teddy bear while I slept with a bat
You dealt with drama when I dealt with drugs
You put up with teachers and I put up with thugs
Do you know what it's like to spend your days afraid?
To want to pull your life together and say you've got it made?
Try not to judge, because the way your acting proves no
I'm trying move on and painlessly let it go
Everyone you meet will have a different story
So change perspectives now, show some empathy
Pain is not a crime
It's only an emotion that passes over time
Just always remember, no matter what your story is...
Laugh last - push past
Pursue - be you
Take your dream intact
And don't look back
Don't dwell on the past, instead learn
So go on, now it's your turn
As I recollect memories all too often concieved as fate
The past seems to haunt me
My future sickenly daunting
And it's so dishearting when people like you
Come along and break me; change my tune
You insensibly stare from inside your perfect shield
But you could never understand the pain which has been sealed
So don't tell me I don't know what I'm saying
When I used to spend all hours of the night praying
Hoping, wishing, dreaming that someday things would change
That soon my life would just somehow rearrange
Do you know what it's like to spend your nights alone?
To feel so lost , to wish you had a home?
Do you know what it's like to wander in the slums?
With no other desire than to know when your next meal's gonna come?
We come from two different worlds and that's the real fact
You slept with a teddy bear while I slept with a bat
You dealt with drama when I dealt with drugs
You put up with teachers and I put up with thugs
Do you know what it's like to spend your days afraid?
To want to pull your life together and say you've got it made?
Try not to judge, because the way your acting proves no
I'm trying move on and painlessly let it go
Everyone you meet will have a different story
So change perspectives now, show some empathy
Pain is not a crime
It's only an emotion that passes over time
Just always remember, no matter what your story is...
Laugh last - push past
Pursue - be you
Take your dream intact
And don't look back
Don't dwell on the past, instead learn
So go on, now it's your turn
I love you
Woke up this morning
Disaster struck without warning
Suddenly no one could agree
Suddenly no one was listening
I never thought this would happen to us
Never knew such small things could cause such a fuss
We fell apart
And I can't find the missing pieces to my broken heart
But don't worry, it's all right
I understand you don't want to fight
So go ahead, walk out that door
I understand you don't want to see us anymore
Because if you love someone, set them free
We'll have someone else show us what to be
If you love someone, let them go
We'll keep pretending no one else knows
And just because I love you enough
I'm going to get through this although it's tough
I cried for hours at first
Emotionally I thought I'd burst
But now I think I finally see
You want absolutely nothing to do with me
I don't think I'll ever know why
I just know your love was a lie
You won't have to act or pretend
Just put our family to a sad end
I'm not asking you to leave
I never wanted you to leave
I'm telling you to do what makes you happy
Even if it means never again seeing me
Because if you love someone, set them free
We'll have someone else show us what to be
If you love someone, let them go
We'll keep pretending no one else knows
And just because I love you enough
I'll let you go although it's tough
You never know what you got 'till it's gone
I'm sorry for all the things I've done
I'm not going to beg you stay
But when you leave I've got just one thing to say...
I love you forever, I love you always
If you ever look back remember the best days
Remember when we were happy
Remember when you still loved me
Remember our smiles
Remember that between us there's miles
But I'll still love you
Just as much as I used to
Please don't forget
Please don't regret
Just always know that I still love you
Disaster struck without warning
Suddenly no one could agree
Suddenly no one was listening
I never thought this would happen to us
Never knew such small things could cause such a fuss
We fell apart
And I can't find the missing pieces to my broken heart
But don't worry, it's all right
I understand you don't want to fight
So go ahead, walk out that door
I understand you don't want to see us anymore
Because if you love someone, set them free
We'll have someone else show us what to be
If you love someone, let them go
We'll keep pretending no one else knows
And just because I love you enough
I'm going to get through this although it's tough
I cried for hours at first
Emotionally I thought I'd burst
But now I think I finally see
You want absolutely nothing to do with me
I don't think I'll ever know why
I just know your love was a lie
You won't have to act or pretend
Just put our family to a sad end
I'm not asking you to leave
I never wanted you to leave
I'm telling you to do what makes you happy
Even if it means never again seeing me
Because if you love someone, set them free
We'll have someone else show us what to be
If you love someone, let them go
We'll keep pretending no one else knows
And just because I love you enough
I'll let you go although it's tough
You never know what you got 'till it's gone
I'm sorry for all the things I've done
I'm not going to beg you stay
But when you leave I've got just one thing to say...
I love you forever, I love you always
If you ever look back remember the best days
Remember when we were happy
Remember when you still loved me
Remember our smiles
Remember that between us there's miles
But I'll still love you
Just as much as I used to
Please don't forget
Please don't regret
Just always know that I still love you
Update
I haven't used this blog in FOREVER! The sad thing is that so much has happened since October. Hmm...where to start....oh well I switched schools! Stupid MRJH is out of my life :D I now attend Karl G. Maeser Prepatory Academy. Quite a mouthful huh? I love it though, I have so much fun. Prom's next week (May 8th)!! I'm going as a ninja...no wonder people know I'm a freshman. Ok so I lied, maybe not THAT much has happened since October, but I can't remember really anything since then. I've written a lot since then so I'll be sure to update everything's that complete. If I can remember anything else that's happened I'll be sure to make a new blog post :)
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