Suicide Nightmare

It all started, I walked inside. I didn't realize it was so dark out, I lied. And when I turn the corner mama's on the phone crying, daddy's holding her tight, inside we're all dying. I glance at the clock, just a few minutes to midnight. The clock is screaming at me, "You did it again! Congratulations! Are you happy? You made your mother cry for the fourth time this weekend! Are you thrilled that your the main source of pain, this family's ever known? Are you proud?" And I just want that clock to shut up so I can scream aloud. Then mama turns her head and daddy in turn, I'm seen, I've been caught, I wanna bolt out the door. Now worry turns to anger and anger turns to pain, mama throws down the phone and runs away. A car engine roars then speeds away, daddy storms up the stairs, slams the door, and I'm left all alone on the kitchen floor. My hands catch my head as I slowly walk up to bed and the clocks are still screaming I want them to go away and I don't want them to come again any other day. I fall into bed not wanting to be caught, but it catches me anyways without the slightest thought. Now there's two clocks, three, four - stop it! I can't count anymore! And the clocks are feeding me lies, they say, "Destroy yourself, nobody wants you alive!"

I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
And they don't know what they're doing, but I just stop and stare
I saw guns pointed to my head
Open wrists and the blood poured everywhere
And I didn't know what to do, I just sat there crying watching me get rid of me
I woke up screaming, the tears flowing freely

Mama, please don't leave me! I don't want you go even though sometimes I say so, but I'm not ready to be on my own, so mom please don't go. And dad please try to understand, I want a little bit of freedom but not complete isolation. I'm sorry a trillion times, never meant to make you cry. I want us to move on, how can I do that if your gone? I'm in a different world where everything's a problem and I'm so confused, don't know how to solve 'em. The clocks are still telling me to die, why? I'm not ready to leave, still got a lot of people to please. And after all this suffering I must accept humility as part of the dose that life gives us daily. I refuse to sleep, I can't eat, and all I'm fueling is the heat. The tension's growing stronger, I can't hold on any longer, I'm slipping, falling. Mom! I keep calling! I know no one's gonna catch me, this isn't how it was supposed to be. My time has run out, all I got was more doubt. The nightmare's still here, I'm trying to hold back the tears. I try to scream but choke, I remember all the violence that came with every word you spoke. The clocks are dancing all around, I slam my fist down. I had built up anger inside during all those years I forgot how to cry.

I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
I don't understand what I'm doing, but I still stop and stare
I watched myself pick up a gun, cock it, rest it against my face, scream my resting place, and pop it.
My knuckles go white from clutching the sheets
I draw the final breath and listen to my heart's last beats...

The darkness had taken me in, I felt there was no possible repentance for my sin. I had lost every ounce of control with every dying piece of my soul. Then a strong hand firmly fell on my shoulder, its powerful presence made my body grow colder. It sat me up straight, then I awoke. In tears I found myself looking into my father's eyes and as he held me close I found the strength to tell him why I cried. As I listened to his soft voice, he explained that mom had made a choice. The current rush of events that had been such a burden, were now lifted off my shoulders as if to say all is forgiven. In that moment I let out three years of pain through tears that I previously believed to be a loss to my gain. Things were going to be better someday, but for now all I could do was hope and pray. Mom, you may have left me, but I'll never forget our best memories. A smile slowly spread across my face, for once I felt safe in my house, my place. I laid back down as I realized no form of pain was a crime. I gently fell back to sleep with a clear mind, for the clocks here told nothing but time.