I have felt like such a mom lately! Could I make myself be anymore paranoid, tense, overpowering, and ALWAYS needing to be doing something?? I sit at home and literally do nothing. Well not entirely nothing...I babysit my brothers, attempt to write new songs, and read..bleh. I have been having the worst writers block lately too. I can't finish anything I start and I am constantly thinking of these perfect one liners for a song but I can't make them fit into anything and then later I forget them. From now on I think I'll be writing everything I think down and I'll make all those one liners a song. That could be cute.
My train of thought is everywhere today. I can't stay on one topic longer than one minute and my mind has nothing better to do. I'm getting so frustrated right now, I blow up at the smallest things. I need yoga or something....I need to breathe. I'd run, but my knees are in such bad condition I'd cry on my way down the stairs. Music isn't helping me at all right now, which is a first. I don't even know what to do with myself! I'm going to go bury my head in the pillow and scream to my hearts content now. Goodbye for now.
-A stressed, irritated me

My Love for Lady Gaga

So today I was in the deepest form of depression I've ever been through. I mean, NOTHING has EVER compared to today. I think that's because I was hurt by other people...badly, when usually I'm the one hurting myself. I woke up at around 8:30 and just laid there. I rolled over to reach for Wilson's iPod and once I had it in hand I immediatly started my search for a wifi connection. My search, however, was to no avail, I plugged in the headphones and scrolled through the artists names. I didn't want to listen to anything, I was sick of having the iPod on shuffle and I didn't want any dancing kind of music. I sat and scrolled not really sure of my purpose, but then I came across a name that I couldn't pass up: Lady Gaga. I know, I know, Lady Gaga? You wake up depressed and the best you've got is Lady Gaga?? Well, yes. But truth be told I don't think there is another artist I can connect to better. She's been through everything I have and much more! Her parents think she's a freak, they think she's absolutley insane, they don't understand her,and more of settled for her as a daughter. She's had her heart broken countless times, she knows what it's like to be scared of a man. Lady Gaga, in my book, is one of the most respectable women I know of. Most everyone calls her a freak, or crazy, but aren't you? She does what we all think, but are too afraid to try to accomplish. She does the things she wants because she's not afraid of what anyone else thinks of her. She's talented, fashionable, thoughtful, brave, and most importantly she gives her all or nothing. She stands up for what she believes in and she refuses to back down. She takes crap from stupid people who don't see the value in her personality, values, opinions, or RIGHTS as a human being. I hope everyone will look past the crazy outfits, the hairstyles, and her make up. Listen to her MUSIC. That's the reason she's here! She has messages that she expresses through the music. Lady Gaga is just another person with big dreams. The only difference between us and her is that she made her dream a reality.

Power to the little monsters <3  

Digging Graves

Another day wasted
Life has become tasteless
Another minute gone by
A new reason to cry 

I'm not supposed to be here
I silently wait for tears
Alone in this chapel pew
Lights off, and there's my cue

I stand and go
Hoping they'll never know
That everytime they lie
I die a little more inside

[Chorus]
How to continue when
Your eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
Your heart has broken with no one to call
You slowly fall apart
With all these holes in your heart
How to continue when 
You're digging one more grave
For another piece of your soul you cannot save

I wish you would fix me
You're everything I want to be
Find my scattered pieces
And comfort my uneases

I want to confide in you
But can never find the strength to 
I tell you a lot but not all
Yet I still expect you to break my fall

I'm sorry it's hard to love me
I always argue and never agree
But if you left me, forever gone
I would surely die before dawn

[Chorus]
I don't know how to continue when
My eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
My heart is broken but I've no one to call
When I slowly fall apart
With all these holes in my heart
I don't know how to continue when
I'm digging one more grave
For another piece of my soul I cannot save

[Bridge]
I watch them dig 
See the graves grow big
They all know how to stop
But determined to bury to the top
I've come to a conclusion
That it's all pure illusion
And I think the world
Each and every boy and girl 
Enjoys digging graves
For the piece of thier soul they so desperately hate  

I will not go down 
I'm not one of the crowd
I will stand and fight
Whether or not you think I'm right

Watch me save my soul
While you dig another hole
I sometimes might fail
But my heart will prevail

I will never die out
Living life without a doubt
I don't enjoy digging graves 
For the pieces of me I can save

[Chorus]
You can continue when
Your eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
Your heart is broken with no one to call
When you slowly fall apart
With all these holes your heart
You don't have to dig another grave
For the piece of your soul you think you cannot save
   

 
 





 




 

The Last Dance

Here's my first draft...tell me honestly if it looks like something Justin Bieber would write. I might cry, but it's okay as long as you're honest ;) I am in the process of writing a new one anyways. :)


I'm standing here alone
I came here all on my own
Not a friend by my side
And this I've never tried

I stare out on the floor
Partners locked in perfect form
Dressed in black and white
I turn to keep out of sight

That's when I see his hand
I slowly understand
He looks into my eyes
And says, "May this dance be mine?"

But tell me, what if I give
My one last dance to you?
Do you promise I'll remember
The night that I surrendered
All my love?
Tell me, what if I save
My only last dance for you?
Do you promise it will last?
Don't let the moment go to fast
In this last dance

I don't know what to say
No one's ever looked at me this way
The world is spinnin' round
So I stare without a sound

I look deep into his eyes
His sincerity blows my mind
No one wants to be alone
But, even so, I just don't know

I try and imagine what it's like
Being hand in hand all night
With the slow music all around
My melted heart allows my brain to drown

So tell me, what if I give
My one last dance to you?
Do you promise I'll remember
The night that I surrendered
All my love?
Tell me, what if I save
My only last dance for you?
Do you promise it will last?
Don't let the moment go to fast
In this last dance

Nothing but the music playing
I watch him patiently waiting
Hand is still outstretched
Somehow it feels too far-fetched

I give my head a quick shake no
Push his hand away and go
But on my way out the doors
I look back and want to be on those floors

I'm sitting here alone
In the closet of my home
I cannot understand
Why I never took his hand

I wonder, what if I'd saved
My one last dance for you?
Would you have gone nice and slow?
Would you have never let me go?
I'll never know
I wonder, what if I gave
My only last dance to you?
Would you have done everything
To keep the promises you bring?
In that last dance

I stroll the lonely roads
My burden's such a load
I missed my only chance
To take his hand and dance

I sit under the streetlight
Wish I'd let him hold me tight
I look up and see
Him smiling at me

He holds out his hand
Says "I'll be in your command"
I rise to my feet
And even though there's no beat

He says
I promise if you give
Your one last dance to me
That I'll never tear you apart
I'll protect your fragile heart
If only you save
Your only last dance for me
I'll never leave your side
Swear I'll never make you cry
If only you would give
Your one and only last dance to me

The Fame Life

This is just a song I'm working on. I need a chorus so it's not completely done. It's just talking about a fame life that I wouldn't want.


Stage set - lights flash - crowd cheering
Backstage is chaos
The crowd is deafening
I'm at a loss
A silence pleading

Cameras click - pictures held - pens demanding
A crew wires my odd attire
Strangers surround my red carpet ride
Here I am getting everything I don't desire
"Fame is everything"....they lied

Warm ups - outfits organized - choreography refreshing
Microphone thrust to my face
Guitar strapped to my back
I'm next on stage trying to escape this place
Scolded for what decorum I lack

Hot temperature - sound check - agent ordering
I'm close to tears
The lights are blinding
Stop the fame in my young years
"This was your dream"-don't remind me

Body guards - hands up - fans screaming
Fill my lungs to extend my voice
I wonder if anyone can understand
The song I sing tells my limited choice
And the privacy they reprimand

Billboards - lead guest - cell phones waving
Exit the stage off to the right
Me and my fake smile
Ducking out of the camera's sight
Protecting the image that's not worth while

Interviews - magazine covers - press questioning
Day after day and night after night
The blur of my name I barely recognize
The paparazzi win every fight
The cautions I'm forced to exercise

God's Perspective

A thousand years in one day
Could I decide which way
I steer every child for good or for bad
Each wishing for something they never had

I, with so much power
I send men to a cower
But listening to each earnest prayer
Send blessings galore to his personal lair

Each day I watch from above
Trying to get you to accept my love
But you with wet cheeks push me away
I guess I'll try again some other day

I see you in pain
So I send the rain
Hoping it'll comfort
the soul that's distort

My hand is extended as far as it'll go
Waiting for you: another no-show
My eyes are pleading
I know deep down you're bleeding

But once again I get turned down
Listening to your whimpers - the sorrowing sound
I'm becoming desperate for you to find me
Hoping you'll not refuse to see

I will always be here
When you are in fear
You're sick of all the pain
I know you each by name

I feel your sorrow, hurt when you're sad
I know your turmoil, ache when you're mad
But the thing that hurts me more than I can bear
Knowing I can help you if you'll open up share

You can put an end to all the wrong
If you let me I'll be the one to lean on
All you need to do is forever be trusting
You're not alone, and I'll be waiting

Suicide Nightmare

It all started, I walked inside. I didn't realize it was so dark out, I lied. And when I turn the corner mama's on the phone crying, daddy's holding her tight, inside we're all dying. I glance at the clock, just a few minutes to midnight. The clock is screaming at me, "You did it again! Congratulations! Are you happy? You made your mother cry for the fourth time this weekend! Are you thrilled that your the main source of pain, this family's ever known? Are you proud?" And I just want that clock to shut up so I can scream aloud. Then mama turns her head and daddy in turn, I'm seen, I've been caught, I wanna bolt out the door. Now worry turns to anger and anger turns to pain, mama throws down the phone and runs away. A car engine roars then speeds away, daddy storms up the stairs, slams the door, and I'm left all alone on the kitchen floor. My hands catch my head as I slowly walk up to bed and the clocks are still screaming I want them to go away and I don't want them to come again any other day. I fall into bed not wanting to be caught, but it catches me anyways without the slightest thought. Now there's two clocks, three, four - stop it! I can't count anymore! And the clocks are feeding me lies, they say, "Destroy yourself, nobody wants you alive!"

I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
And they don't know what they're doing, but I just stop and stare
I saw guns pointed to my head
Open wrists and the blood poured everywhere
And I didn't know what to do, I just sat there crying watching me get rid of me
I woke up screaming, the tears flowing freely

Mama, please don't leave me! I don't want you go even though sometimes I say so, but I'm not ready to be on my own, so mom please don't go. And dad please try to understand, I want a little bit of freedom but not complete isolation. I'm sorry a trillion times, never meant to make you cry. I want us to move on, how can I do that if your gone? I'm in a different world where everything's a problem and I'm so confused, don't know how to solve 'em. The clocks are still telling me to die, why? I'm not ready to leave, still got a lot of people to please. And after all this suffering I must accept humility as part of the dose that life gives us daily. I refuse to sleep, I can't eat, and all I'm fueling is the heat. The tension's growing stronger, I can't hold on any longer, I'm slipping, falling. Mom! I keep calling! I know no one's gonna catch me, this isn't how it was supposed to be. My time has run out, all I got was more doubt. The nightmare's still here, I'm trying to hold back the tears. I try to scream but choke, I remember all the violence that came with every word you spoke. The clocks are dancing all around, I slam my fist down. I had built up anger inside during all those years I forgot how to cry.

I'm surrounded by myself in this nightmare
I don't understand what I'm doing, but I still stop and stare
I watched myself pick up a gun, cock it, rest it against my face, scream my resting place, and pop it.
My knuckles go white from clutching the sheets
I draw the final breath and listen to my heart's last beats...

The darkness had taken me in, I felt there was no possible repentance for my sin. I had lost every ounce of control with every dying piece of my soul. Then a strong hand firmly fell on my shoulder, its powerful presence made my body grow colder. It sat me up straight, then I awoke. In tears I found myself looking into my father's eyes and as he held me close I found the strength to tell him why I cried. As I listened to his soft voice, he explained that mom had made a choice. The current rush of events that had been such a burden, were now lifted off my shoulders as if to say all is forgiven. In that moment I let out three years of pain through tears that I previously believed to be a loss to my gain. Things were going to be better someday, but for now all I could do was hope and pray. Mom, you may have left me, but I'll never forget our best memories. A smile slowly spread across my face, for once I felt safe in my house, my place. I laid back down as I realized no form of pain was a crime. I gently fell back to sleep with a clear mind, for the clocks here told nothing but time.