Relentless Thought

I wrote this about a week ago, I consider it just a small story that maybe, possibly you wanted to hear. :)

This past week was not my best. Monday was a drag after returning at 2 am that morning from a long, stressful "vacation" (Yellowstone...gag) and the energy to expand my thoughts didn't collaborate well with my lack of sleep. My solution to this small endemic? Cut my Socratic Seminar class. Now, Socratic is interesting, but it's mentally exhausting because it's a discussion class. The ever growing feeds of thoughts were too much for my feeble mind so...I skipped class. I'd love to say that I did something awesome or rebellious while I should've been in class, but unfortunately, the truth is not always so prodigious.  I felt so angry. My upsurge of illogical rage boiled like the insignificant hot springs we'd wasted time staring at whilst in Yellowstone National Park and I stormed out of the gutted bowling alley I so humbly call my school. I aimlessly wandered as I waited for time to pass. More influential than my rage was my impatience. After first period ended I went to the second half of socratic. I wasn't even entirely sure of all the reasons I was mad, I just knew I was. I continued the rest of my day in silence and refused to do my homework out of pure spite.
Tuesday was slightly more dramatic. I skipped first period Socratic again. I attended all of my regular classes, left my nightclasses early and went to mutual. At mutual we had a guest speaker that shared his tragic story about his wife dying of cancer, but the miracle of her giving birth to beautiful baby girl before passing. In all honesty, I was not as touched by the story as others. By no means do I mock it, for it is incredible, but I was not among those who were sobbing. My tears took root at a deeper level. In the midst of my effort to pay attention to the story, my pocket let loose a roar. Smiling that I'd caused a distraction, I pulled out my phone to see who demanded my attention. Long story short, my friend who's in the military came home from Afghanistan and didn't bother to tell me. That was slightly emotionally riveting. That night I thought things were finally starting to turn around, as if I was in control again. My confidence, however, was short lived. When I returned home I was met by the stress and pain that always seemed to control my life. I spent Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning (3:30 to be exact) crying as I aimlessly wandered the neighborhood. By the time school started I was exhausted. I was still extraordinarily upset as well and I went to the nursery located right next door to the school before I broke down and sobbed among the flowers. From 7:30 to 9:15, I bawled like an overprotective mother letting go of her baby on the first day of school. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck. I blindly went to my next two class periods and took in none of the information taught. Fifth period came around and I chose not go. In my same spot, hidden from sight, I cried again. And so the day dragged on...I failed my chemistry test, got in trouble with my Socratic teacher for my absences and tardies, got in trouble with my Algebra II teacher for my lack of effort, and failed my Computer Technology test. As my weary mind tried to grasp the mere thought of how I was going to finish the day, a small impression boarded my hectic train of thought. "Go to seminary." I originally ignored it, thinking it'd be ridiculous to skip, yet another mandatory class for something that wouldn't even give me credits. The thought relentlessly came back, over and over, almost haunting me. As the impression continued to force its way into the more subconscious levels of my mind, I noticed I couldn't keep myself from straying into seminary. I eventually gave in. Missing the shuttle that would've taken me to Young Lawyers I walked to the seminary building only to be welcomed by a teacher who informed me that I required written permission to be in his class. Further dismayed, I carried my dulled body and mind back to the high school. With nothing left to lose nor anything worthy to give up, I offered up an earnest prayer. I was lost, confused, and didn't know what to do or where to go. Almost immediately after my fervent prayer, a newfound energy and motivation caused me to forge, yes, FORGE a note into seminary. Hopefully God will overlook that...afterall, it was His idea. 
That day in seminary is the only time I've ever felt blessed by the opportunity of having seminary. In past years, each and every teacher has been far from accepting and Christ-like. Perhaps this year has more to offer than a failing student lacking a motive. Amidst my loss of faith and hope, I came to believe that perhaps God won't give up on me. I'm glad I listened to that ever so still, small voice.

Dear God, Rain Me Unity.

The silence is nearly tangible in the small classroom. The unorganized rows of desks sit crooked and its occupants aren’t showing much sign of life either. These cheap, makeshift desks are littered with different kinds of graffiti. I run my fingers across the unique carvings, negative designs, cartoons, famous quotes, and all manner of drawings. My thoughts invade my mind... I know I belong in this school. I know I deserve the best education I can get. I didn’t sit through eight years acquiring a private education to NOT end up here. I love this school, I love that each and every person you come in contact with is so original and different. This school is a place of artists. But lately, it’s felt like just a normal high school. In the past year, Karl G. Maeser Prepatory Academy has more than tripled in size, going from a little over 200 students to over 600. I watch everyone at lunch and see all the clichés. Where do I fit in? Do I want to fit in? No, but lately it’s been hard not to desire being normal. What happened to the little gutted bowling alley? I’m worried that moving to our new building is too much change for me. I don’t want to let go of Maeser, but I don’t want to stay right now. I feel like I’m in an average high school doing three times the work everyone else has to do. I really miss the old Maeser. I watch people zone in and out of sleep as the monotone story drags on. Then out of nowhere, a soothing, mellow, white noise patters its way across our tin rooftop. The sudden downpour captivated everyone’s attention and we sat in silence listening to the drops ricochet off our tattered tin roof. The whole class was as alert as I’d ever seen. Every student is sitting up straight in their chair, eyes darting back and forth glancing at one another and the teacher fell silent. For a moment we all just listened. The raindrops sounded so large and heavy as they continued their dance across our old rooftop. The teacher stood up from the chair he’d been planted in for the past hour and shut his laptop. We watched him as he carefully put down his pencil. The orchestra of God’s tears grew louder and louder until it crocheted into a deafening blast of overwhelming sound. I watched as he looked up and quietly and calmly said, “Let’s go.” Then a huge smile broke the tension as he grinned from ear to ear. His suit jacket and tie went flying behind him as we all ran out the back door and into the rain. I watched 19 students, who just minutes before could care less about each others names, ran, danced, skipped, and splashed in the symphony of rhythm. In just 30 short seconds, we were all soaked to the bone and violently shaking from the cold, but every single one of us was smiling bigger than I’d seen this whole school year. As we trickled back into our class, teeth chattering, we all huddled in a circle in the centre of the room, using each others body heat to stay warm. In these few minutes I felt the old Maeser. I felt a school that wasn’t limited by things as dumb as clichés and popularity. I watched a class become unified by something as simple as the rain. Maybe this year won’t be as difficult as I had previously believed…maybe all these new students really do belong in this incredible place of knowledge. Maybe we’ll gradually get the unified environment we had last year. I hope it rains more often. I love the sound of our old, tin rooftop.

The Shapes We Take

People don't change on the inside, they only fool themselves sometimes.

Okay I know this is going to sound EXTREMELY nerdy, but get over it. When I was reading the Odyssey I found what I believe to be the coolest passage ever!

" 'Ah, Goddess,' the cool tactician countered, 'you're so hard for a mortal man to know on sight, however shrewd he is - the shapes you take are endless!' "

So I was wondering....what shapes do we take?

I often ask myself if I really, truly know who I am. All too often we allow ourselves to be dependent on others opinions, judgements, and criticisms, and we allow THOSE to define our being. We are told to be ourselves and not to let anyone change that, but the people we surround ourselves with DO change us, whether it be positive or negative. It seems that the two cancel each other out. We have to be ourselves, but as people we change. So what are we left with then? I think we are left with choice and everything else follows it. When we think about it, life is built up of a serious of choices and we change because of those choices. The shapes we take are dependent on choice alone. We choose who we surround ourselves with, how we behave, why our behavior changes in different environments, etc. In my opinion, the shapes we take are just different aspects of ourselves.

The shapes we take are natural. Our shapes define us. My shapes make up my being.

I have felt like such a mom lately! Could I make myself be anymore paranoid, tense, overpowering, and ALWAYS needing to be doing something?? I sit at home and literally do nothing. Well not entirely nothing...I babysit my brothers, attempt to write new songs, and read..bleh. I have been having the worst writers block lately too. I can't finish anything I start and I am constantly thinking of these perfect one liners for a song but I can't make them fit into anything and then later I forget them. From now on I think I'll be writing everything I think down and I'll make all those one liners a song. That could be cute.
My train of thought is everywhere today. I can't stay on one topic longer than one minute and my mind has nothing better to do. I'm getting so frustrated right now, I blow up at the smallest things. I need yoga or something....I need to breathe. I'd run, but my knees are in such bad condition I'd cry on my way down the stairs. Music isn't helping me at all right now, which is a first. I don't even know what to do with myself! I'm going to go bury my head in the pillow and scream to my hearts content now. Goodbye for now.
-A stressed, irritated me

My Love for Lady Gaga

So today I was in the deepest form of depression I've ever been through. I mean, NOTHING has EVER compared to today. I think that's because I was hurt by other people...badly, when usually I'm the one hurting myself. I woke up at around 8:30 and just laid there. I rolled over to reach for Wilson's iPod and once I had it in hand I immediatly started my search for a wifi connection. My search, however, was to no avail, I plugged in the headphones and scrolled through the artists names. I didn't want to listen to anything, I was sick of having the iPod on shuffle and I didn't want any dancing kind of music. I sat and scrolled not really sure of my purpose, but then I came across a name that I couldn't pass up: Lady Gaga. I know, I know, Lady Gaga? You wake up depressed and the best you've got is Lady Gaga?? Well, yes. But truth be told I don't think there is another artist I can connect to better. She's been through everything I have and much more! Her parents think she's a freak, they think she's absolutley insane, they don't understand her,and more of settled for her as a daughter. She's had her heart broken countless times, she knows what it's like to be scared of a man. Lady Gaga, in my book, is one of the most respectable women I know of. Most everyone calls her a freak, or crazy, but aren't you? She does what we all think, but are too afraid to try to accomplish. She does the things she wants because she's not afraid of what anyone else thinks of her. She's talented, fashionable, thoughtful, brave, and most importantly she gives her all or nothing. She stands up for what she believes in and she refuses to back down. She takes crap from stupid people who don't see the value in her personality, values, opinions, or RIGHTS as a human being. I hope everyone will look past the crazy outfits, the hairstyles, and her make up. Listen to her MUSIC. That's the reason she's here! She has messages that she expresses through the music. Lady Gaga is just another person with big dreams. The only difference between us and her is that she made her dream a reality.

Power to the little monsters <3  

Digging Graves

Another day wasted
Life has become tasteless
Another minute gone by
A new reason to cry 

I'm not supposed to be here
I silently wait for tears
Alone in this chapel pew
Lights off, and there's my cue

I stand and go
Hoping they'll never know
That everytime they lie
I die a little more inside

[Chorus]
How to continue when
Your eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
Your heart has broken with no one to call
You slowly fall apart
With all these holes in your heart
How to continue when 
You're digging one more grave
For another piece of your soul you cannot save

I wish you would fix me
You're everything I want to be
Find my scattered pieces
And comfort my uneases

I want to confide in you
But can never find the strength to 
I tell you a lot but not all
Yet I still expect you to break my fall

I'm sorry it's hard to love me
I always argue and never agree
But if you left me, forever gone
I would surely die before dawn

[Chorus]
I don't know how to continue when
My eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
My heart is broken but I've no one to call
When I slowly fall apart
With all these holes in my heart
I don't know how to continue when
I'm digging one more grave
For another piece of my soul I cannot save

[Bridge]
I watch them dig 
See the graves grow big
They all know how to stop
But determined to bury to the top
I've come to a conclusion
That it's all pure illusion
And I think the world
Each and every boy and girl 
Enjoys digging graves
For the piece of thier soul they so desperately hate  

I will not go down 
I'm not one of the crowd
I will stand and fight
Whether or not you think I'm right

Watch me save my soul
While you dig another hole
I sometimes might fail
But my heart will prevail

I will never die out
Living life without a doubt
I don't enjoy digging graves 
For the pieces of me I can save

[Chorus]
You can continue when
Your eyes are wet but the tears won't fall
Your heart is broken with no one to call
When you slowly fall apart
With all these holes your heart
You don't have to dig another grave
For the piece of your soul you think you cannot save
   

 
 





 




 

The Last Dance

Here's my first draft...tell me honestly if it looks like something Justin Bieber would write. I might cry, but it's okay as long as you're honest ;) I am in the process of writing a new one anyways. :)


I'm standing here alone
I came here all on my own
Not a friend by my side
And this I've never tried

I stare out on the floor
Partners locked in perfect form
Dressed in black and white
I turn to keep out of sight

That's when I see his hand
I slowly understand
He looks into my eyes
And says, "May this dance be mine?"

But tell me, what if I give
My one last dance to you?
Do you promise I'll remember
The night that I surrendered
All my love?
Tell me, what if I save
My only last dance for you?
Do you promise it will last?
Don't let the moment go to fast
In this last dance

I don't know what to say
No one's ever looked at me this way
The world is spinnin' round
So I stare without a sound

I look deep into his eyes
His sincerity blows my mind
No one wants to be alone
But, even so, I just don't know

I try and imagine what it's like
Being hand in hand all night
With the slow music all around
My melted heart allows my brain to drown

So tell me, what if I give
My one last dance to you?
Do you promise I'll remember
The night that I surrendered
All my love?
Tell me, what if I save
My only last dance for you?
Do you promise it will last?
Don't let the moment go to fast
In this last dance

Nothing but the music playing
I watch him patiently waiting
Hand is still outstretched
Somehow it feels too far-fetched

I give my head a quick shake no
Push his hand away and go
But on my way out the doors
I look back and want to be on those floors

I'm sitting here alone
In the closet of my home
I cannot understand
Why I never took his hand

I wonder, what if I'd saved
My one last dance for you?
Would you have gone nice and slow?
Would you have never let me go?
I'll never know
I wonder, what if I gave
My only last dance to you?
Would you have done everything
To keep the promises you bring?
In that last dance

I stroll the lonely roads
My burden's such a load
I missed my only chance
To take his hand and dance

I sit under the streetlight
Wish I'd let him hold me tight
I look up and see
Him smiling at me

He holds out his hand
Says "I'll be in your command"
I rise to my feet
And even though there's no beat

He says
I promise if you give
Your one last dance to me
That I'll never tear you apart
I'll protect your fragile heart
If only you save
Your only last dance for me
I'll never leave your side
Swear I'll never make you cry
If only you would give
Your one and only last dance to me